Ed gets kidnapped
by ShadesOfSilver7
Summary: "It was a bright and lovely day in Central. Edward was not in Central. He was too busy being kidnapped. These stories usually begin with Edward waking up in a mysterious room all tied up. So, lets back up and start there." (Warning: Contains many mini skirts) Crackfic
1. The Curious Case of Edward Elric

**A/N: Read at your own risk.**

It was a bright and lovely day in Central. Edward was not in Central. He was too busy being kidnapped. These stories usually begin with Edward waking up in a mysterious room all tied up. So, lets back up and start there.

Edward woke up in a mysterious room all tied up. For some reason it smelled like tomatoes, beans and rice. How that happen. One momment I was walking on the sidewalk and the next im in a chair too small for me (which is a pretty big acomplishment) and unable to move. I don't know. The author hasn't given any sort motive yet.

"Where am I?" Edward asked the door.

The door did not answer. It was a door. However, a voice behind the door was very capable of speech. "You are finally awake. I've been behind this door for hours, waiting for you to arise." The voice said creepily

"Let me out of here!" Edward yelled at the door. He sounded very intimidating.

"Oh, okay."

Edward's ropes were released. "I knew that would work!" He said and went to open the door.

"Hey, voice, the door is locked."

A little peep hole opened to show a pair of eyes. "Oh, er. Yeah. I'm actually supposed to knock you out now. You see, Ive been reading a lot of 'How to Be a Scary Villain' books, and apparently once you wake up- and I tell you I've been waiting I must knock you out again. Should I just torture you? Yes. I wanna make it big. I'm gonna not follow the system."

"Yeah, I can't tell you how many times I've been through this. Lets spice it up. So, I'll just go tie myself up again." Edward replied.

"Would you do that? Really? Thanks, man, that makes things, like, a million times easier." The voice thanked.

"No problem."

As Edward tied himself up again he could hear the rapid flipping of paper and headphones. Flipping of headphones? "Hey, what're you doing over there?"

"I supposed to make you miserable. So I've got overused YA fiction or Movie quotes and Circus Afro on loop." The voice told the small teen.

Edward paled. "You wouldn't."

"I have headphones. I would." The voice pressed play to Circus Afro and started the quotes off with "I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding".

"NOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

Alphonse was making his way down town, walking fast, faces pass and he's home bound. But he stopped when he realized it was exactly 5:01. Edward was supposed to meet him on this street after his mission at 5:00. What if something happened to him? What if he's hurt what if he's dead what if its my fault what if he left me its probably because I didn't ask if he was well this morning I'm such a bad brother he's right to have left my omg Ed come back I'm sorry. Al continued his kawaii little brother worries for 15 minutes in the middle of the sidewalk. Finally he came to the conclusion that Edward had been kidnapped and that he must seek out the help of a random stranger.

Luckily for him, a very pretty girl walked in his field of (1bison) vision.

"Excuse me, miss? My big brother has been kidnapped, will you help me find him?" Alphonse asked.

The pretty girl flipped her hair. "Oh, sure! My name is Star Sapphire Blaze of Lilly Raven Willow Grace. And-"

A blonde haired girl walked behind Star and smashed her head between the two covers of her thick book. "No, this is not a Sue parody. Get back to the other fic you're ruining, will ya?"

The Mary Sue dragged her mutilated self across the street and fell down a sewer.

The blonde girl with the bloody book looked up at Alphonse. "Sorry you had to witness that..." she said and continued waking down the street.

Alphonse pretended not to notice it.

*Gasp!* I almost forgot about brother! He thought and set off to Roy's office.

* * *

Roy wasn't fooling anyone. He thought he was fooling everyone. Well, he was fooling Falman. But he doesn't count. He was hanging upside down from the ceiling. By his his toes, in fact- courtesy of Havoc's sleep pranking. No one really noticed though. Wait, what was this paragraph even about? Oh yeah. Roy and his laziness.

Anyway, Roy was pretending to do paperwork. It wasn't exactly a huge surprise that he was slacking off. Not many people yell "What'cha gonna do about it? Nothing, you're not real" or "Yes, I have indeed poured my heart and soul into this wonderous piece of paper" when they're doing their assignments.

He was actually drawing out his feelings. He had drawn an image of himself wearing a crown with the word Fuhrer above it. His colleagues were all wearing togas and carrying food platters, all the female officers were required to wear tiny mini skirts and he drew Ed with a speech bubble saying: I'm a little teapot.

But at least he'd actually been writing on the paper, opposed to just sleeping. Whenever he would get caught by Hawkeye he's use the excuse of "My therapist says I need to confront my feelings using a different approach. I chose drawing." Don't ask about his previous confrontations. You don't wanna know.

So Roy was doing his usual slacking off when he heard a loud thunk on the door, followed by a small "owie!". Then the doors were kicked down and slid across the room.

"Edward has been kidnapped!" A large suit of armor said.

Mustang sighed but didn't look up. "Are you sure you didn't just step on him again?"

"I don't got time for your shit, Roy!" Alphonse yelled in his unintentionally cute voice. "My brother- the only family I've got left- has been taken away from me! I can't take care of myself by myself!"

Roy looked slightly taken aback, since Alphonse never swore. He'd usually just use ridiculous substitutes like "gosh darn, diddly-doo!".

"Yeah, okay I'll call the kidnapper then, if it means that much to you." He reached for his Powerpuff Girls telephone when it continently rang. "Oh, I bet that's them."

"...Well pick it up!"

"Oh yeah." Roy cleared his voice and practiced saying hello a couple times before picking it up. "Hello, Colonel Roy Mustang- the Flame Alchemist's office, Colonel Roy Mustang- the Flame Alchemist speaking."

"I have your subordinate: Edward Elric!" Said the voice on the other line,

"Yeah, I know." Roy replied leaning back in his chair and looking at his fingernails.

"I have him in my shack on St. Gringose street." It said less enthusiastically.

"Mmhmmm."

"And I'm torturing him...?"

"Okay."

"Don't you want him back?"

"Why, will you give 'im?"

"Wha- no! I called to make a negotiation!" The voice was obviously frustrated.

"Ehh..." Roy groaned non-chalontly. "I'm not feeling very generous right now. Will ya put Ed on the phone?"

"Look, Mustang, I don't think you understand. I'm playing Circus Afro."

...

"...On loop?"

"ON LOOP!"

"OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU MONSTER!"

"Ehehehe! Now you understand! Now listen-"

"Where are you?! I'll rip your skin off for playing that around my subordinate!"

"Oh uh. Well that's a bit-"

"I hope you're ready to kiss Justin Bieber, because that's the closest source of pleasure you'll ever find once I'm done with you!"

"So, all you need to do is come alone so I can kill you and-"

"Arm yourself! You're gonn wish-"

"I hanging up now bye!" The line went dead.

Mustang slammed the PPG phone onto the desk. "Damn it! I almost got the location!"

Alphonse shuffled his feet awkwardly and asked the colonel. "What are they doing to brother that got you so angry?"

Roy couldn't tell poor innocent Alphonse. His soul couldn't take it. He had to lie.

*(1)*

"THEY'RE DOING WHAT?!" Al's screech was so loud it shattered all of Central command's windows.

I can't imagine what his reaction would be if he found out the truth.

* * *

"Lieutenant Hawkeye! I am in need of your assistance!" Mustang called.

He turned around to see her with her hand at her forehead and her same stoic face. Roy almost had a heart attack.

"Yes sir?" She asked

"Ed's been kidnapped and we-" Al started

"Again?" Hawkeye suppressed a giggle.

Mustang snorted. "I know, right?"

"Be serious! Ed's been kidnapped and forced into... terrible things. And we need to get him back before its too late."

Riza nodded. "Just the three of us?"

"You're right, Hawkeye! You genius! We need a fourth addition! And I know exactly the person." Roy exclaimed.

"Actually Sir, I think three is a good-"

Roy ignored it and pranced along with Riza and Alphonse hand in hand.


	2. The taco complex

**A/N: Sorry about the typos on the previously. This chapter will probably be better.**

* * *

For the second time that day, the door was busted down.

"Sheska? Sheska are you in here?" Al called.

A dorky but very grumpy voice came from behind the book shelves. "Yeah, I'm back here."

The giant suit of armor peaked around the shelf to see Sheska at her desk and covered in mountains of paperwork.

"Is this a bad time?"

Sheska glared at Alphonse.

"I'm here to get you out of your paperwork."

The bespeckled girl leaped up and sent papers flying in all different directions. "Alphonse! You've always been my best friend! How can I ever repay you? I know! Lets go get ice cream!~ oh wait..."

If Al had his body he would feel tears in his eyes. But he was able to shake it off. "Brother was kidnapped and we need your help to find him. We thought, with your photographic memory we'd have a better chance of finding him."

Sheska nodded in determination. "If it means getting out of paperwork then I'm in."

"Great! Lets go!"

"And then we can get ice cream!"

Alphonse made a mental note for revenge.

* * *

The Voice Behind the Door - as Ed called it- had been gone for a few hours. That meant Circus Afro was not playing. That meant no more sappy quotes about the importance of friendship. Edward could be at peace. He started to cry tears of happiness. But they soon turned to tears of fear when he realized that the peace would not last. Soon, The Voice would come back and begin the torture all over again. Ed wasn't sure how much more he could take.

What if no one comes for me? Will I die here?

...da da dada dada da da circus da da dadadadadada afro circus afro cirCUS AFRO POLKA DOT POLKA DOT AFRO

Edward began sobbing.

* * *

They all got their things ready. Riza readied her guns. Roy pulled on his gloves. Alphonse took out his chalk. And Sheska grabbed her 60 lbs book bag. In case she got bored during the rescue mission.

"Alright team! What clues do we got?" Roy asked.

They were gathered in a small dark room lit with a lone light bulb above a table the group was surrounding.

"We know its on Gringose street." Al piped up.

"I've narrowed it down from here in Amestris to Xing, Ishval and various other places." Roy ignored Alphonse.

"How are you not Fuhrer yet?" Said the sarcastic suit if armor.

"Right? Right?"

Sheska took out one of her books and slammed it on the table. "I remember looking out the window and seeing a man with a stolen taco and bike too small for him. I think this might be a lead."

"I think I remember that too." Hawkeye said as Alphonse gave a disbelieving laugh. "I like where you're going with this, Sheska. Only a man with a bike barely enough to support him and a stolen taco could have something to do with Fullmetal's kidnap. I remember th boy eating a taco of his own just before his mission. I think that's why he was kidnapped. Taco lovers are attracted to taco crumbs. Maybe Edward refused to give his kidnapper the rest of his taco so he took him to the shack on St. Gringose street and is now torturing him."

"You can't be serious."

"I like your logic, Lieutenant. I think I know how we can test this theory." Roy said while rubbing his chin.

"How?" They all asked in unison. Even Mustang. He likes a little mystery.

"First we need to investigate."

* * *

The four of them entered the abandoned shack on St. Gringose.

"Alright, to cover this quickly we need to split up into groups... But who goes with who?" Roy wondered.

"Well, you're the colonel. You choose." Al suggested.

"Hold on, I'm thinking."

Riza groaned. "Sheska and I will check out the lower area. Alphonse, you and Mustang will head upstairs."

"Aw, but Hawkeyyyyeee!" Roy complained.

"Fine. Al, search downstairs with Sheska. _I'll_ got with Mustang."

As they were heading off to their respected areas Riza heard Alphonse whisper a "thank you".

"Hey, Al?"

"Hmm?"

"There's nothing down here."

"Yeah, just pretend you've found something important in case Mustang comes down."

"Alright."

* * *

Roy and Riza walked around the upstairs, not quite sure what they were supposed to be doing. They'd been at it for a few minutes until Riza actually found something. It was a pile of Autumn leaves and taco crumbs right in the center of the room.

"Colonel. There's a suspicious pile of leaves. Should I jump on them, sir?" She asked Roy.

"Always, Lieutenant Hawkeye." Roy winked. "Always."

Riza prepared herself to jump on the crunchy leaves but stopped in mid air when she realized there was a net below the leaves.

The leaves.

The crisp Autumn leaves.

They were a lie.

Just like everything else was a lie.

"NO!" Riza stopped the jump and rewound so that she landed where she had begun. When she was safe she collapsed into a fit of sobs but tried to restrain them.

"Lieutenant! Lieutenant, what's wrong? Are you hurt?" Roy asked urgently.

Hawkeye didn't look up. She simply pointed to the leaf pile.

"What? Are they not crunchy enough to jump on them? What is it Lietenant, I need to know!"

"They're a lie, Roy." She whispered.

"What? What? I can't hear you, Hawkeye, speak up!"

"THE LEAVES ARE A LIE!" She let the tears flow freely now. "Just like everything else is a lie! The clock in the room is a lie, Armstrong's shirts are a lie, even the *sob* even the damn cake is a lie! I'm done with lies, Colonel! I can't take it anymore!"

"Hawkeye, Armstrong's shirt is not a lie." Roy's voice was soft and calming. "He just doesn't like wearing them. And the clock is only 3 minutes a lie."

She looked up at Mustang again.

"And the cake, Riza. The cake is for nerds." He pulled her into a hug. "Come, on. We've got what we wanted."

Riza still had tears in her eyes as they walked down the steps. Al and Sheska met them and they made their way out of the shack. Edward wasn't there. Where could he be?

* * *

"AHA! I've got you!" Said The Voice as it jumped out from behind a closet.

The net hadn't been used.

"They foresaw my plan. It seems I underestimated them. Well, it looks like I have to try harder. Also find a taco. I'm starving."

Then The Voice made a really creepy evil laugh, choked on a lying leaf and fell unconscious.

* * *

"It looks like its time for the plan." Roy said mysteriously.

"Hmmm" Said everyone in the cast.

* * *

**I am almost sorry. Almost.**

**I enjoy reading reviews :3**


	3. The Voice

**A/N: I wouldn't say this chapter is the greatest or the longest but *shrug***

* * *

Riza had purchased a taco and was wearing a super cute mini skirt. She sat on a chair in the middle of the street where no cars passed. She looked very angry. _Very_angry.

This was their plan: Riza had the taco, which the kidnapper loves, so he would chase her trying to steal it. Then, Alphonse and Sheska would roll out barrels from the alleyway. Once he was distracted by the barrels he would walk onto the net trap and would pay for those lying leaves.

But Hawkeye had been waiting for 27 minutes. That was almost a half an hour. It would be a half an hour according to the lying clock. Riza thought. She sighed angrily and took a bite out of her taco.

"Save some for me!" Another voice said.

Riza didn't hesitate. She flung herself over her chair and raced in the direction of the alley.

"Wait! Stop! Taco!" It yelled. Riza heard a the dinging of a bike bell and picked up her speed.

They were nearing the alleyway when she gave them the heads up. "Al! Sheska! Now!"

They waited for Riza to run out of the way before they rolled the highly distracting barrels in front of the taco guy.

The taco guy swiveled, trying to avoid the barrels. "Drat! My weakness! How did they know I'm allergic to barrels?"

Then from inside one of the barrels jumped Roy Mustang with a large net, screaming like a psycho path. He landed on the taco guy and wrapped him up in the net.

"Now," Roy started. "We unmask you." And he pulled off the taco man's Spider-man mask.

"Gluttony?!" Everyone gasped.

Gluttony nodded in shame. "I was just so hungry!"

He sank into a cluster of tears.

Sheska bent down to pat the poor homunculus. "Gluttony, why go through all this trouble of stealing tacos? Don't you usually eat everything in sight?"

"Don't encourage him!" Al said.

Gluttony sniffled. "I had a craving. And Envy told me that since tacos had lettuce and tomato in them that I would loose weight."

"Oh. Um. Well, buy your own tacos, Gluttony. Or make them at home. Don't steal. Stealing is wrong."

Gluttony perked up. "You are right. I will stop stealing. And stop listening to my brother!" Convincing him was surprisingly easy.

"I thought Envy was a girl." Al said to himself.

"Now that you're no longer a villain, will you tell us where Fullmetal is?" Roy asked.

Gluttony looked confused. "You mean the tiny-" Edward screeched from his chamber in vain. "little boy with the antenna?"

Everyone nodded.

"Last I saw him, he was getting hit over the head with a baseball bat and shoved into a bag. Lust said I shouldn't think about it too much."

"Quit listening to your siblings!" Roy yelled at the fat homunculus.

"Gluttony," Al started urgently. "Do you know where he was taken?"

"Hmm. I think they were headed in the direction of Parvaveer..."

"Thank you, Obesity. You will be replayed soon. Lets go, team!" Roy said.

Everyone lept into a barrel and rolled their ways to Parvaveer street. All except Al, because he was too big to fit. So he walked. Leaving Gluttony with the memory of being mistaken for the incarnation of Obesity.

* * *

"Don't worry everybody, I've another plan. Alphonse, get in the minni skirt." Roy commanded. They were now at the abandoned Shack on Parvaveer Street.

"Wha- what? I can't wear a minni skirt!" Al reprimanded and moved his arms to his torso. "It's not like it would fit anyway! And if you're so keen on luring him here, why don't you wear the minni skirt?!"

"Would you do it for a-"

"I swear to God Roy, if you say Scooby Snack I'll hurt you."

Roy shut up.

"Actually," Started Riza. "We could still use him as bait. The Voice wants to get to you, Colonel. And fans everywhere are begging for some 'Parental Roy'. The Voice will probably go after Alphonse too."

Sheska straightened her glasses. "With all due respect, Lieutenant, have you ever seen a Parental!Roy/Al fic? The fangirls don't care about that. In fact, sometimes they even kill off Al so there's more room for cute Roy/Ed." This certainly didn't boost Alphonses' self esteem.

"Shut up, Meg." Roy countered.

"What?"

"What?"

"What?"

"What?"

...

"Then its settled. We leave Alphonse alone in the shack, completely vulnerable and shackled up?" Roy went on.

"I've got handcuffs." said Hawkeye.

"Don't I get a say in this?" Al whimpered.

Nobody listened to the poor neglected suit of armor as his hands were tied behind his back.

"Remember to act weak and helpless." Roy reminded.

"That'll be hard, considering I'm a 7 foot tall suit of scary with red eyes and sharp teeth." Al muttered bitterly. "The Voice shouldn't have a problem."

"Ugh, will you please stop calling it 'The Voice'? I don't need to be reminded of Christina Aguilera every time the kidnappers mentioned." Groaned the Colonel, probably only paying attention Alphonse's last statement.

"What's wrong with Christina Aguilera?" Sheska asked.

"Dem eyes."

"Why are we talking about this?" Al complained.

"You're right. Later, Al." The remaining three sped out of the door and waited for the kidnapper to come.


	4. Suddenly everything became references

**A/N: I feel really bad about the length of this one. I thought I'd just update with this little thing. The next chapter will be longer, I promise.**

**Also, you guys are so nice, I never thought it sould get as much attention as it has! Your comments make me blush.**

* * *

Al wandered around the shack for a while. He yelled for help a few times, but its not like anyone would hear. Eventually he sighed with his lungs that were not actually there and attempted to sit down. Without the use of his arms he struggled with lowering himself, tipped over onto his side and couldn't get up.

"Today is just awful." Al cried to no one.

Just then he could head footsteps nearing him, without seeing anyone. "Hellur?" It was the kidnapper!

Al tried not to make a noise. _Just stay completely silent_. He thought to himself.

"I'm an adult! You can't tell me what to do!" Said the kidnapper.

"Did I say that out loud?" Al asked.

"No, but you said _that_ out loud."

That sly little dish rag!

"What are you gonna do to me?" Trembled the fallen armor.

"Swiggity swag, what's in the bag? Uh, I've got Niki Manaj... The Last Airbender by M. Night... Ahh. Kidz Bop. First edition. Perfect."

"You're sadistic! Is that what you've been doing to brother as well?!"

The kidnapper laughed. "Oh, no, he's had it much worse." (1)

Then from behind the unaware creep, Roy Mustang jumped with another net and yelled: "SNEAK ATTACK!"

The kidnapper was much faster than Gluttony and shot to the other side of the room in a blink of an eye. Roy landed on his face and got caught up in his own net.

"Ahaha! Right where I want you, Colonel Mustang. Or should I say... Colonel Buttface?"

Roy's mouth rounded in horror and made a low growling sound that somewhat resembled a vaccum cleaner.

Luckily, Riza skateboarded in throwing lemons at the kidnapper. "Lemons?! Poorly written ones at that! I have to get out of here!" But they were actually just the fruit lemons. Riza had tricked the cloaked blob into thinking she wrote bad fanfiction.

"Lieutenant! You saved me from being... He doesn't have a clear motive yet, does he?"

"'Afraid not, sir." She freed Roy from his failed sneak attack and went to got help Alphonse.

"Lieutenant Hawkeye, where is Sheska?"

* * *

"Ohhh no!" The brunette grazed her hand around the floor for her glasses. "My glasses! I can't see without my glasses!"

All of a sudden a hand was outstreched, holding her glasses for her. "Oh gee, thanks Mr..." She fixed her glasses on her face to see a dark figure before her. "Mr... The Voice!" She shrieked and began crawling away awkwardly.

"Wait, don't go! I want to be your friend!"

"Yeah, that's what the last kidnappers told me! Next thing you know, I'm shipped off to Creta, hearding donkeys!" Sheska yelled back.

* * *

**(1) Well that's debatable**


	5. Very Many Buckets

Roy, Riza and Al raced through the shack, searching for Edward and Sheska. They didn't make it very far before literally running into Sheska and falling on their backs.

"Sheska, you're alive!" Al said joyfully.

"Just barely! The Voice is coming!"

"I thought we agreed, no Christina Aguilera! Not any circumstances!" Roy snarled.

From behind them came a menacing laugh. They all screamed like little children. Their legs did the motor boat thing. The kidnapper chased them.

*Que chase montage*

They met at a row of six doors. Roy and Riza ran through the closest left, Sheska ran through the middle on the right, Al ran into the farthest on the right and the kidnapper followed him. Roy and Riza emerged from the door Sheska ran through and went through the door directly in front of them. Alphonse came through the first door on the right. The kidnapper came through the door Roy and Riza just went through, waited in the center Sheska came through the farthest on the left -mummified- to waddle into the closest right, then Riza came through the closest left to run into the kidnapper. She kicked it in the crotch, hoping that it was a he and sped through the door Al went through. The kidnapper rolled its way through the farthest left. A confused Mei Chang followed by Armstrong and Kimblee came through the middle right. Mei was yelling for "Alphonse-sama" and seemingly unaware that there was a sparkly man and psychopath behind her. Al came out of the first right, picked Mei up and made his way to the farthest left. Kimblee and Armstrong opened the middle left to see the very confused Flame Alchemist. Kimblee had had enough and exploded all of the doors.

The kidnapper made an "ehehehe" laugh as it made its way into the basement. Everyone, even Kimblee, chased after the cloaked figure. Fortunately Mei had her alkahestry knives to trip the kidnapper, and fell into a bucket. The kidnapper also fell into a bucket. But it was a different bucket than Mei's.

"At last! I caught you!" Roy triumphantly stated. They could faintly hear the muffled protests of a small Xingese girl coming from a near bucket. "Now it's time to find out who you really are!"

Roy took off the the mask and everyone gasped. Even the kidnapper.

"Old Man Jenkins?!" Everyone said in unison.

His voice was replaced from his original mysterious voice to an old kooky Weastern accent.

"Ehyeh! That's right!" He cackled.

"BUT WHY, ON THIS VERY FINE WEEK, THE FLOWERS WERE BLOSSOMING AND THE SNEECHES WOULD SING. HOW UNFORTUNATE TO PUT SUCH A DARK UNDERTONE TO AN OTHERWISE GLORIOUS TIME. ANYONE WITH ANY SENSE COULD NOT KIDNAP A POOR, INNOCENT, SOCIALLY HELPFUL-" everyone giggled "-YOUNG BOY LIKE EDWARD ELRIC ON A WEEK LIKE THIS~!" Armstrong shouted enthusiastically.

"I think I can tell you why." Sheska said as she pushed her glasses to the brim of her nose. "The author of this fic was tired of reading so many cliche Edward kidnapping fics. You see, this is a parody. It's a statement. A statement that probably could have had a better approach than dragging us in it as well." She concluded with a slight nod.

"Indeed!" The blonde girl from earlier popped out of another near by bucket. "Thank you, Sheska! You are truely an intelligent girl. I hope to have inspired many young writers by making a parody such as this. Now I'd really love to stay, but I must go. My tumblr needs to be updated. And you should probably go find your brother, Alphonse dearie. Circus Afro is still playing." With that the blonde bookworm disappeared into the bucket.

Alphonse gasped hysterically. "He's been listening to Circus Afro this entire time?! ROY YOU LIED TO ME!"

Roy shrugged.

"Tell me, Jenkins! Where is he?!" He yelled at the old man.

"And I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you _fullmetaling_ kids!"  
Everyone laughed at the pun except Al.

"WHERE IS HE?!"

"Second door on your right."

They all sped in said direction and Armstrong picked up the bucket with Mei in it. They could faintly hear the distant Circus Afro playing. And for the last time in this fic, the door was slammed across the room. Edward's head was dropped to his chest. He was obviously unconscious from all the disturbing things he had just witnessed.

Kimblee exploded the source of the music. Not because he cared, but because it had been at least three minutes the last time he wrecked something.

Al ran up to his brother to untie him. "Brother! Brother are you-" Roy pushed him aside as Ed regained consciousness.

"Fullmetal, thank god you're alive! The moment What's-His-Name told me you had been kidnapped I didn't hesitate to send out a full team of military to find you!" He then hugged Ed's head and started crying manly tears.

"So... cold..." Was all the small boy could manage.

"Colonel!" Al yelled at Roy.

"I HAVE CONTACTED THE POE-LICE AND THEY ARE HERE TO TAKE THE OLD MAN JENKINS AWAY!" Armstrong yelled.

"Major Armstrong, I'm fairly certain that's our job." Riza informed him respectfully.

"OH. THAT IS MUCH NEWS TO ME. AND WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY USEFUL INFORMATION WHEN I HAD FIRST CAUGHT THE INFAMOUS MASS MURDERER: BARRY THE CHOPPER WHO HAD MOST HORRIBLY ESCAPED BEFORE THE POE-LICE ARRIVED."

"Meanwhile 8 more people were slaughtered..."

Roy hoisted Ed onto his back and they made their way out if the shack. Waiting for them was an ambulance, a swat team, the FBI and a few helicopters.

* * *

**A/N: Yeah. I did insert myself into this fic. Sorry.**

**P.S. Just so we're clear, I myself really do like scary/sad/whatever fics so don't think I'm making fun of _all_**** Ed torture. It's just kind of hard to find original and well written things. Don't let this discourage you.**

**P.P.S. is her name spelled "Mei" or "May"? Because I've seen it both ways.**


	6. How Much Fun is Traumatized

Roy was wearing a shock blanket. He only wore it to avoid talking to other people and to get out of paperwork. He was pondering about the events that had taken place, and also minni skirts. A familiar short old man with a long beard came up and sat next to him.

"Wow, crraazy righ'? I'm sorry ta hear 'bout yer kid bein' tortured like that." He said and took a swig of a beer he came with.

Roy's face made an awkward kawaii blush at the man's words. "H-he's not my son..." Mustang stuttered.

"Pffff. Sure 'e is! That wacky ol' man wouldn't 'ave kidnapped him if he wasn'. Also, ya didn't let 'im die. If ya weren't his father, ya wouldn't 'ave gone through all this trouble!"

"Just because I don't let my subordinates die, doesn't mean I'm related to them! You're just as bad as the fangirls!" Roy growled.

"Oh, sorry." The old man apologized, but he didn't sound convinced. He took another drink of beer. " I jus' thought, 'cause he's blond and yer wife is too. Wha's 'er name? Ostrichtooth?"

"Hawkeye isn't my wife!" Roy blushed even more.

"Innt she? I jus' thought 'cause you also don' let her die..."

Roy let out an exasperated sigh and stalked away, fuming.

"Get in touch with yer feelin's babe!" The short old man laughed.

* * *

Roy went to visit Ed in the hospital, because Roy is always worrying about his well being. Always.

Ed was laying asleep, being all adorable and traumatized. For some reason no one else was there. So Roy just sat next to him. But he almost fell asleep just before heard Edward mumble.

Roy's eyes flew wide open. What secrets was Ed about to tell?

"...dad..."

Holy Hotspots. Edward just called Roy his father. Roy did the only logical thing. He took out his IPhone and tweeted:

"omg, ed thinks im his dad. like what? lol whtevr imma have 2 break it 2 him sumtime that his dad left him 4 another lady lol #yolo #swag #flamealchemist"

Edward's unconcious self sensed a disturbance in the universe and woke up. "Colonel? What are you doing here?"

"I was just so worried. You know me. I worry about your well being all the time. That's just the kind of man I am."

"... Since when?"

"Nevermind that!" Roy brushed off the question. "This is the part where I awkwardly tell you that you called me dad in your sleep. Now you're going to blush all kawaii-like."

Edward blushed all kawaii-like. Lots of kawaii blushing.

"But I'll let you know, that I don't mind if you call me dad."

"Really? Wow, you know how openly desperate I am to have a father figure, especially one who insults me and exposes me and my brother to peril so often!"

Roy nodded. "That's what I'm here for."

"Great, now to finish this we just need a really bad pun to lighten the mood."

Fuery and Havoc passed by the doorway while Furey rapidly wrote on a piece of paper. Unfortunately, Fuery's tip snapped in half as he was intimatly escribing. "Ugh, now my pencil broke!" Fuery complained. "Broken pencils are pointless!"

They stopped at the doorway and started laughing like idiots. Roy and Ed began laughing. Riza and Sheska walked in and laughed. Armstrong lept out of the closet along with the Mei bucket while laughing. Scar, Yoki and Marcoh laughed from the hallway. Izumi and Sig burst through the ceiling and were laughing. Ling, Lan fan and Fu poked their heads upside down from the window but it was just Ling who laughed because he is the only one capable of joy in the group. Once Selim finished his homework he joined the laughter as well. And somewhere on top of a gigantic mountain, Hoenheim felt an ache in his heart.

* * *

**A/N: Theres going to be like, one or two more epilogues so don't fret. **

**...now bring me prisoner 24601...**


	7. Epilogue: Gluttony's decision

**Your time is up and your parole's begun. Do you know what that means?**

* * *

"I've been thinking," Envy started.

"Uh oh." Lust said half paying attention while filing her gigantic nails.

"What if we abandoned our evil ways and went to help Pipsqueak and Tincan instead."

"Oh, Envy please don't start the role playing again..."

"No, I'm serious this time Lust. They may not be as strong as us, but they're the good guys and the good guys always win. Plus the military has a frozen yogurt bar. With Kit-kats as a topping choice. Kit-kats, Lust. And I mean, we'd probably have better, less secluded lives."

Lust put down her filer. "That's actually not a bad idea. In fact, I think we should do just that. What do you think, Gluttony? It's up to you."

Gluttony shuffled his feet. "No. That is not a good idea. We should stay where we are- no matter the Kit-kats." He fought the urge to say yes to the chocolate cookie goodness.

Envy and Lust thought it over and agreed with Gluttony.

_Stop listening to your siblings!_ The words echoed in his ears. _I will do this for you, Mystery gang. I will heed your warnings about my siblings. Becuase you helped me with my taco problems._ Gluttony thought determinedly.

* * *

_**It means you're free?**_


	8. Epilogue: Voices in the night

**No**

* * *

In the middle of the night Ed laid sleeping as Al read a book. Out of the blue, he put the novel down to out yell:

"ALPHONSE-RALPHONSE-ROOO!"

"What the hell, Al? It's the middle of the night, what's with you?"

The armored boy said in a worried voice. "I don't know!"


End file.
